


Times of Trouble

by PurpleArrowzandLeather



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is a Fantastic big brother, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Ghosts of the Past - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Overcoming emotional constipation, Sad times, like... season 9-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 09:52:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19827673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleArrowzandLeather/pseuds/PurpleArrowzandLeather
Summary: After a hunt, Dean thinks he sees John on the way back to the bunker. It messes him up more than he wants to say, and Sam cares too much for his own good. In all honesty, he isn't fully prepared for the truth to touch the open air.





	Times of Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> My first Supernatural fic! Yay! I've been meaning to write one, but I wasn't quite sure what to write it on until I got a bit of a reality check.

Sam sits at the kitchen table, his tea cooling slowly in front of him. He’s been waiting for a couple hours, hoping that Dean would talk to him of his own accord. He thought he saw John the night before and Sam witnessed the most terrifying moment of his life. 

He never noticed before how Dean straightened until he was stiff. Sam never knew that his brother disappeared behind the mask of a rule-following grunt. 

Sam sighs, running a hand through his hair. He calls Cas for about the fifth time. The answer is still the same. Without his wings in working order, he’s still half a day away. 

“I know, I just… Dean needs all the friends he can get right now. Seeing dad.... It messed him up. I thought he’d be fine, but it’s like he’s spiraling.” 

“ _Does Dean ever_ _talk about him_ _? Is there something you know of that might have started this_ _?_ ” 

“No, but….” Sam pinches his nose, shaking his head as he considers his older brother. “You know how he is. There could be any number of things and he wouldn’t say a word. I, uh- I also saw something else.” 

“ _What?_ ” 

“I didn’t notice it so much when John was still alive, but um…. When Dean supposedly saw him, he didn’t seem like himself. He went rigid and his expression was blank. I think…. I think that Dean has been hiding something about John. Something he probably has been since he was pretty young.” 

He really hates being vague. As much as Cas has caught on to interpreting context, he doesn’t understand people being evasive. 

“ _I see._ ” 

Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn’t. 

“ _Like, I said, I’ll be there as soon as I can._ _Goodbye, Sam._ ” 

Sam hangs up, leaning back in his chair. He puts his phone down. “So, how long have you been listening?” 

Dean wanders up the steps and settles in front of Sam, his chair squeaking in distress. “Oh, only about the whole time.” 

Sam shuffles in his seat a bit nervously. “You, uh… are you mad?” 

“What about? My little brother becoming concerned when he thinks I’m freaking out?” He chuckles, the sound warmer than Sam has heard it in awhile but with something brittle just below the surface. “Nope.” 

Sam blinks, his brow furrowing. “Really?” 

Dean hums, getting up to pour himself a cup of coffee. “Yup.” 

The huff that leaves Sam is cynical and disbelieving, but he bites back the comment that he intended to say as well. Dean doesn’t like it when people go around him, and he most certainly doesn’t like when it’s for his own benefit. Dean is quiet for far too long when he sits back down, and a quiet Dean doesn’t bode well. 

“Dean, is there… something you want to tell me about dad?” 

Dean’s brow lifts. “Why?” 

“Because you said you saw him, and then something changed. It was like you were a different person.” 

“Mm.” 

“That, and you’ve kinda been acting weird. Like now.” Sam doesn’t want to push his luck, but Dean is fairly amicable at the moment. If he pries, he might actually tell him what’s wrong. “It looked like…. Dad scared you.” 

Dean is the big brother. He puts on a brave face so Sam never sees his fear. 

Sam clears his throat. “What did he look like? Why did you go stiff? Was there someth-“ 

“Sam. Just stop.” 

“But we have to talk, man. I can’t watch you walk around and pretend everything is fine! It’s not healthy. I need to know what’s wrong so that I can help.” 

Dean scoffs, shaking his head as he gets up. He steps down into the common room, the usual bounce in his step gone. Sam follows, watching with growing worry as Dean starts to pace. He runs a hand over his face, a breath falling from his mouth that sounds far too shaky and too vulnerable. It's not like Dean to be like this.

“You don’t want to know the truth, Sammy.” 

Sam struggles not to scowl. “I just asked for it, didn’t I?” 

Dean doesn’t stop moving, prowling like a caged animal. “The truth is….” Dean stops, shaking his head. “The truth is that dad-“ 

He breaks off, jaw clenching as he comes back for another pass. He’s actually scaring Sam a bit. 

“Dean, you know I can’t judge you. We’ve been through too much together.” 

He closes his eyes, breathing through what Sam would assume is low-level panic. “He wasn’t perfect, Sammy. We both know that, but…. I- I don’t think you understand the way dad would have treated you.” 

“Would have? Dean, dad treated us like crap. I know he loved us, and a lot of what he did was to protect us, but we weren’t soldiers. We were kids.” 

Sam doesn’t realize it at first, but Dean is shaking. “Every time something went wrong, he wanted to take it out on us. On you, but I couldn’t let him. So, he’d put you to bed, and then he’d tear into me.” Dean’s voice trembles and Sam can only hope that Dean will finish a rant instead if walking out the door for once. “I- I can still hear him yelling. Screaming. Or those times when you ran off and there was so much pain. How can I expect you to understand that you never _saw_ him? Dad loved _you_. Dad protected _you_. Me? I did _everything_ dad asked. I followed orders, tried to live up to his standards.” 

“Yeah, we both tried, but nothing was good enough.” 

“No, you were good enough, Sammy. Dad was _proud_ of you. I was never his son when he looked at me. I was the screw-up. Sometimes, when I could look him in the eye, I swear he was disgusted. I did what I was told, and he still looked at me like he found me on the bottom of his shoe.” 

Sam is quiet. Dean’s face has tear tracks on it now. 

“I can’t even tell you how much that hurt! I would have done anything he wanted, but it was never enough! Or maybe not the way he wanted it. Nothing I did was right!” 

His voice is raising, his movement quicker as he tries to hide his distress. 

“All you ever did was fight with him and he still loved you, but I-… I couldn’t even argue! If you got hurt, that was on me! Every mistake was on _me_. _Every. One._ And then he’d look at me like I was nothing to him.” 

He turns, finding Sam a little too close. Sam startles back when Dean rounds on him. “Just take it easy.” 

“Easy? You didn’t ask for easy! You asked for the truth!” 

“Dean, I-“ 

“And to make it that much worse, the moment you were old enough, you ran off! You ran away when I was supposed to be watching you!” 

“Dean-“ 

Dean cuts him off again, stalking forwards until Sam’s back is up against the wall. “Do you have any idea what that did to me? Not just what dad did when he found out, but to me?!” He leans back, taking a breath. His voice is painfully calm when he gets his voice back despite the distress carved onto his face. “Yeah, I knew dad hated me, but I hadn’t realized that you were looking for the first possible chance to get away from me, too. And, hell, when you went off to college, who do you think dad yelled at after you stormed out? Who do you think he took his worries out on? Then dad left me, too!” 

“Please, Dean. Please, just calm down!” Sam begs, finally getting what he wanted and hating every moment of it. He might even understand where Dean’s issues of self-loathing come from. 

“Calm down?” His voice gets louder again and Sam cringes back from where he’s trapped against the wall. “Why do you think I always obeyed dad? Always! Why do you think I don’t get close to people? If my own father hated me and my baby brother ran away from me, then how could anyone else even care?! Explain that to me!” 

Sam, by all rights, towers over his big brother, but he’s never felt so small. Tears start to well in his eyes and he cries for Dean. Dean stops, his expression going slack as he reaches out to wipe the tears away. The way his face twists in _agony_ cuts Sam like a knife. 

Sam can’t stop his voice from shaking when he speaks. “Dean?” 

Dean flinches as if Sam had slapped him, stepping away with his hands up just a little. If Sam thought Dean was distressed before, nothing compares to the way his big brother’s features shatter when he realizes he just blew up on Sam. “ _I.._ _._ _I-I turned into him._ ” 

Moving perhaps too quickly, Sam reaches for him. “No, Dean.” 

Dean staggers back, falling in a heap as he holds out a hand to stop Sam. “How? How could I do this to you, Sammy? I’m supposed to… to protect you. How could I-?” 

Sam shakes his head, moving closer even as Dean tries to keep him back. His voice trembles. “You’re not, Dean. You’re not like him. _You_ raised me, not dad.” 

Dean closes his eyes, clenching his jaw and looking away from Sam. Sam sits on the ground, unsure of how to comfort his brother. Dean always comforted him, and now that it’s his turn, he’s in territory that’s been uncharted for too long. Old wounds that never healed right are now painfully obvious to Sam. Truths that Dean could never voice until after John died have come to light. 

Sam almost can’t believe that it took ten years for Dean to tell him all this, but then again… repressing is a gift in the Winchester family. “I promise, you’re nothing like him, Dean.” 

Dean still won’t look at him. “He wasn’t always like that, I just….” He shakes his head, his tone defeated. “I’m sorry, Sammy.” 

Sam wipes his face, sniffling a little. “Don’t be. It’s, uh, better than wondering what’s gotten into you. It, um… it also explains a lot.” 

Shifting into a cross-legged position, Dean uses his sleeve to scrub his face. “I don’t need you to pity me, Sammy. I’ve had worse.” 

“From monsters, Dean, but from dad? That’s…. I don’t even know where to start.” 

When he answers, it sounds as if he ground the words out with a wooden spoon, as if he struggles to say them because it's painful. “Then don’t.” 

Sam’s laugh is weak. “Fine. Fine, I’ll let it drop. I figure I’ve given you enough grief for now.” 

“Mmm. I’ll have you know that I’m suing for emotional damages.” 

Sam smiles to himself, leaning over on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dean. I just thought… maybe, if I could finally get you to tell me what’s wrong, then maybe you wouldn’t have to suffer. I didn’t quite know that all this went back so far.” 

Dean huffs. “Well, you let me know how it feels if you think you see dad’s ghost hovering in the doorway.” 

He doesn’t mention that John’s face was bruised in a familiar way, or that he had a bottle in his hand. He doesn’t mention the scorn in his dull eyes. Even now, he’ll protect Sam from what their father became. He can’t help but feel that he dishonored John by only remembering the bad for a few moments, but it’s hard to remember anything else. 

Sam sighs, his weight resting more heavily on Dean. “Don’t feel like you have to apologize for having feelings, Dean. Whatever dad thought of you, you are a hundred times the man he was.” 

Dean briefly considers defending John, even now, but instead he settles his head on top of Sam’s. “Thanks, Sammy. And… for the record?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’d do it all again to end up here.” 

Sam nods quietly, shifting just a bit close to his big brother. “Yeah.... Me, too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Thoughts and comments are very welcome if you should so choose. I can't promise responses, but I will certainly try!


End file.
